“If Only”

if only

‘If Only’, I think those could be the saddest words in the world. Typically when we use them, we’re regretting that we didn’t do something that we should have done, and a lot of time it is used in love related situations, like now.

If you just ignored the feeling you had, or if you just took it for granted, you’d never know what would have happened, and this could be even worst than finding out in the first place. If you express your feelings or if you take chances, you can go forward in your life without looking back and wondering what may have been, and you can actually feel good about yourself because you had the courage to open up, express yourself and enjoy the opportunities you were presented.

Someone once told me that our biggest regrets are not for the things we have done, but for the things we haven’t done. And I didn’t know how true those words were until it happened to me.

A few months ago I received a text message from an unknown number saying that they asked my friend for my number because they thought I was pretty and they wanted to get to know me and that they hope I wouldn’t be mad about it. The sender was a guy that was at a party I went to the day before. I started talking with the guy and realized that he was actually pretty cool. And like two days after that he asked me out, and me being me, said no.

I said no for two reasons. One was a valid reason, and the other was a very stupid reason that I still regret to this day.

My valid reason was that I thought he was moving too fast I wanted to get to know him a bit more before going on a date with him. I had talked to him only twice and it was through texting, never face to face, and I didn’t feel like I knew him enough. Some people might say that that was the whole point of the date in the first place, getting to know him. I didn’t say that I didn’t like him but to me, it was moving too fast.

I’m ashamed of the other reason because I’m not like that, I never acted like that before, and it taught me a lesson… I said no the guy because I didn’t like the people he hung out with. They weren’t bad people, but I just made negative judgmental assumptions about them. I greatly regret this because who cares who these people are, who cares what they do, who cares what they like? You should never judge on anyone if you don’t know them before. I wasn’t in the place of judging them because who I am to judge? I’m just one imperfect but normal girl who lives making mistakes.

He took my ‘no’ as if I didn’t want to talk to him ever again and he stopped texting me and whenever I saw him on the street he would send a small smile my way and he would turn around and leave or he could stay there and just plain ignore me… I’m not going to lie, that hurt me.

A few weeks ago I decided to text him, he replied like three hours after and even through his messages I could see that he was reluctant to talk to me at first, but after a while we passed that awkward stage and we started talking normally. We talked a lot, and believe it or not, I started to like him even more. I couldn’t wait for him to ask me out again because I would say yes this time.

About a month ago we were talking again and the conversation turned serious, he told me that he stopped texting me because I had rejected him and he felt awkward and like a stalker, and because he wanted to respect my decision. I explained why did I say what I said (obviously just the first reason) and I apologized for if I ever were rude or hurtful in any way. And then the moment I was waiting for, he said: “If I ask you out again, would you say yes this time?, I obviously said yes.

But then he said: “I’m really honest and what I’m going to say may push you away. When I asked you out that day, I was alone and I liked you, and I still like you, but I don’t enjoy hurting people or cheating. And I’d really love to ask you out, but I have a girlfriend now”.

Can you hear that?… Yes, that’s the sound of my heart breaking.

I told him that I liked him back and that I knew It was my fault that nothing happened between us. His reply was “oh, I never knew you felt that way”… Now I’m sitting here thinking: “if only I would have said yes when I had the chance, I wouldn’t be here wondering what would have happened. It could have been the start of something good, or maybe it could have been disastrous, but now I’ll never know”.

The moral of this story is that you shouldn’t be afraid of taking chances, because you don’t know what those chances could bring you. And if everything fails in the end, you get an experience out of it… And in this case, if you like someone don’t let anything stop you, don’t be afraid to open up and letting them know. Because sooner rather than later, you could lose them and you will regret it.

Jenn x

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